Squerrilla Warfare

It's no secret to anyone that I am one of the biggest animal lovers out there.  I have more compassion for animals than I do for most people.  I love dogs, cats, bunnies, fish, turtles, horses...all of 'em.  We have four rescue pets in our household as I personally think buying from a breeder is irresponsible when there are so many wonderful animals waiting for their forever homes in shelters.  But...that's not what this post is about.  This post is about eradicating the world of my arch nemesis.  A little creature called Sciurus carolinensis, or as you and I know him as...the squirrel.  

You might recall that this isn't my first rodeo with a squirrel.  Nor, will it be my last.  You see, these heinous creatures have been reeking havoc on my life and property ever since we moved into the new house early last summer.   They ate every last bulb I planted.  56.  They dug up my planted flowers and pulled them out by the roots!  They dig in and destroy the mulch in our flower beds digging for food.  They move the tarp in the koi pond causing it to leak.  They destroyed my two brand new bird feeders by gnawing the bottoms out of them.  The dig in my potted plants to hide their acorns.  But this time...this time they've gone too far.  This time they've made it personal.  This time.  They've destroyed Halloween.   After taking my time and carefully selecting the perfect pumpkins for Michael and I to carve this year, I come home to:

EXHIBIT A:

Well guess what?  I'm not going to just lay down and take you vermin ruining my favorite holiday!  I won't stand for it!!!  

"This aggression will not stand, man."  - The Big Lebowski

Long story short, Michael shoots it with his air rifle.  Muwhahahahaha.  Justice is done, no?  No.   Like I said, this is personal.  Pumpkin Eater's brother, mother, wife, who knows must have been watching.   Later that same evening, as I sit downstairs watching my favorite programming I hear a "scratch scratch scratch".  I go upstairs and the cats are staring into the fireplace.  Staring into the eyes of what is most certainly Pumpkin Eater's kinfolk coming to have their revenge.  Naturally, Michael wasn't home so I was defenseless against the beast.  I retreat to the safety of the basement until he returns.  The squirrel has now found its way down a grate in the fireplace, stuck.  I figure most likely searching for another way into our home to feast on our brains under the cover of darkness.  Don't believe me?  

This really happened.  

Squirrels. Harmless woodland creature?  Or, a giant conspiracy of furry-tailed suburban vandals?  I've presented you with the evidence, you be the judge.  




Editor's note:  This reminds me of one of my favorite comedy sketches by Tim Bedoer, frequent guest of the Bob & Tom show.  If you haven't heard it, it's worth a listen. 

Animal Conspiracy

Best of the interwebz, August 2012

The internet has not only changed the way we all communicate with each other, it's also been a creative outlet for millions who previously would've been undiscovered.  I know I thoroughly enjoy making my daily checks of the blogs and sites I follow.  You might be aware of some of my favorites, but I hope I at least tell you something new.  No matter your pleasure, be it cute animals with captions, funny commentary about celebs, a 32 year old man criticizing children's artwork, there is something for all palates out there.  Here are just a few of the sites I enjoy on a weekly basis:

1.  The Cheezburger Network.  What's not to love here?  There are numerous sites all rolled up into one here.  Failbook, LOLcats, Memebase, and many more.  A favorite of mine, Business Cat!

2.  Warming Glow/UPROXX.  Warming Glow is one of many sites on Uproxx.  I like it because it does funny commentary, spoilers, discussions on TV shows.  There is one for movies too, Film Drunk.  The writing is generally pretty good and so is the information.  One of my absolute favorites on this site is a blogger who writes like he's a Southie from Boston in a phonetic way.  Being that I despise the Patriots, it's especially comical.   Here's TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE. 

YOU WILL REMEMBAH THE DAY BRADY GAWT IN A FACKIN’ CAHHHH WRECK!

3.  Maddox, The Best Page in the Universe, I Am Better Than Your Kids.  Maddox is one of the originals.  He's had a site since 1997 and it's barely changed in look and feel.  He doesn't post as much as he used to on the original site, but does weekly updates on his critical analysis of children's artwork on the other site.  This guy has brought me to tears on numerous occasions.  He is unapologetic about his views on everything, and that's what makes it so damn funny.  Some of his funniest posts are when he responds to hate mail.  Oh, if you're sensitive and/or easily offended, I wouldn't go to this site.

4.  The Oatmeal.  The Oatmeal is fantastic.  Full of comics that are cleverly drawn and extremely well written fill this site along with a blog and some quizzes.  It's impossible to pick an absolute favorite on this site, as you can spend DAYS going through all of their comics.  They take no prisoners when making fun of people much like Maddox.  The one where he describes how he'd rather be punched in the testicles than call Customer Service, a feeling we can all relate to, even if you don't have testicles.    

5.  McKayla Is Not Impressed.  You'd have to be living under a rock to not hear about this, but I'm mentioning it anyway.  Olympic Silver Medalist, McKayla Maroney wasn't very happy about coming in second...here's a meme that's gone viral about her reaction to various famous situations.  It's a lot like Texts from Hil.   McKayla is not impressed with The Beatles on Ed Sullivan.

  

Lil Bub's Positive Message

Meet Lil Bub

I have no idea how the existence of Lil Bub has escaped me until now.  I'm typically on the cutting edge of all things internet...and cat!  Lil Bub is a darling little cat, that her owner calls a "happy accident".  You see, Lil Bub has many birth defects and genetic mutations that make her special.  BUB is a "perma-kitten", which means she will stay kitten sized and maintain kitten-like features her entire life.  She is a dwarf, she has very short, stubby legs and a weird, long, serpent-like body. Her lower jaw is short, like a major overbite would be, and her teeth never grew in (kind of like Fergie, but much more serious!)  This explains why her tongue is almost always hanging out. Her owner says she has a very healthy appetite and eats dry and wet food with no problems. Finally, Lil Bub is a polydactyl cat, which really isn't that uncommon, meaning she has extra toes, one extra toe on all of her four paws. Her front paws each have two opposable thumbs. And then of course there are her big, bulging, wonder-filled green eyes.  All of those things equal, in my opinion, one cute very unique little girl!

Light Saber Bub

She was featured on Good Morning America earlier this month because of her major internet popularity.  Lil Bub has her own Tumblr Blog, Twitter, Instagram and Facebook fan page.  The witty captions done by owner Mike definitely contribute to the hilarity.   He also asks for people to Photoshop in hilarious things in Bub's pictures.  Light saber's, ice cream cones, all sorts of things. I think Lil Bub sends a great message and that's why so many people are enamored with her.  She says it's okay to be different.  She started out as a feral runt that someone had the kind heartedness to give a chance to, and look how much joy she's brought to not only her owner, but the world!  Pets truly are gifts to us.  The enhance our lives in SO many ways.  I guess that's why I have four of them...  To read more about Lil Bub and her story, you can check out her Bio on Facebook, it explains her humble beginnings to current super-stardom!

I'm sick of these too, but had to share.

I think anyone and everyone that is on Facebook is sick and tired of these internet memes going around.  I've seen the SEO one, Marketing, Stay at home mom's...but this one actually made me laugh!

Click image to see actual size.