Squerrilla Warfare

It's no secret to anyone that I am one of the biggest animal lovers out there.  I have more compassion for animals than I do for most people.  I love dogs, cats, bunnies, fish, turtles, horses...all of 'em.  We have four rescue pets in our household as I personally think buying from a breeder is irresponsible when there are so many wonderful animals waiting for their forever homes in shelters.  But...that's not what this post is about.  This post is about eradicating the world of my arch nemesis.  A little creature called Sciurus carolinensis, or as you and I know him as...the squirrel.  

You might recall that this isn't my first rodeo with a squirrel.  Nor, will it be my last.  You see, these heinous creatures have been reeking havoc on my life and property ever since we moved into the new house early last summer.   They ate every last bulb I planted.  56.  They dug up my planted flowers and pulled them out by the roots!  They dig in and destroy the mulch in our flower beds digging for food.  They move the tarp in the koi pond causing it to leak.  They destroyed my two brand new bird feeders by gnawing the bottoms out of them.  The dig in my potted plants to hide their acorns.  But this time...this time they've gone too far.  This time they've made it personal.  This time.  They've destroyed Halloween.   After taking my time and carefully selecting the perfect pumpkins for Michael and I to carve this year, I come home to:

EXHIBIT A:

Well guess what?  I'm not going to just lay down and take you vermin ruining my favorite holiday!  I won't stand for it!!!  

"This aggression will not stand, man."  - The Big Lebowski

Long story short, Michael shoots it with his air rifle.  Muwhahahahaha.  Justice is done, no?  No.   Like I said, this is personal.  Pumpkin Eater's brother, mother, wife, who knows must have been watching.   Later that same evening, as I sit downstairs watching my favorite programming I hear a "scratch scratch scratch".  I go upstairs and the cats are staring into the fireplace.  Staring into the eyes of what is most certainly Pumpkin Eater's kinfolk coming to have their revenge.  Naturally, Michael wasn't home so I was defenseless against the beast.  I retreat to the safety of the basement until he returns.  The squirrel has now found its way down a grate in the fireplace, stuck.  I figure most likely searching for another way into our home to feast on our brains under the cover of darkness.  Don't believe me?  

This really happened.  

Squirrels. Harmless woodland creature?  Or, a giant conspiracy of furry-tailed suburban vandals?  I've presented you with the evidence, you be the judge.  




Editor's note:  This reminds me of one of my favorite comedy sketches by Tim Bedoer, frequent guest of the Bob & Tom show.  If you haven't heard it, it's worth a listen. 

Animal Conspiracy